Endings & Voids

Sitting in Ms. Belsheim's drawing class as a freshman in high school, I glanced through my Art Talk! course book reading about different forms of painting, sculpture, and printing, when all of a sudden an image grabbed me. Sitting on the top right hand side of the page, was a giant photograph of Machu Picchu. I had never seen it, or anything like it before. The image compelled me to do all of my prints, trying to replicate its image. I vowed that before I died, I would go to that mysterious place.

Several summers ago, I created a summer grant proposal through my college that placed me in the rural Andes for several months, and allowed me to at last hike up and see it. I remember after coming home, I knew that the next place I wanted to see in the world was Petra. Ever since I was a kid, and was mesmerized by Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade, with the striking image of Harrison Ford and Sean Connery riding in contrast out of the mysterious city, I knew I wanted to go there.

So this past year, I spent my thoughts organizing a trip to the Middle East. I was excited about Istanbul and Jerusalem, but the real draw that pulled me into that direction of the world and made the trip reality was that vast and mysterious city built into the stone.

The next item on my checklist remains blank.

During college, I didn't really watch too much TV, as there always seemed to be things going on at night -- meetings, parties, studying, and it was never on a regular schedule that you could get accustomed to any weekly program.

I knew there were a couple shows, though, that were up my alley and would catch me if I gave them the time and watched them. As a graduate student in a foreign country for a year, I have less social demands than college, which has created at last the opportunity this year to catch up on shows like Entourage, Peep Show, and, at last, The Sopranos.

I finished the rather short runs of Entourage and Peep Show last year, and for the past several months have been consumed by the drama and dark humor of a small mafia family in New Jersey. It's odd, though, because of the 86 episodes of the incredible series, I only have five left now.

There is a bizarre sense and dread as I begin to watch one of the final episodes. I want to become consumed, but don't want it to end.

The not wanting it to end is more complicated, though, than simply knowing that the enjoyment that some show gives will be gone. Surely, that is a part of it, but like the places in the world that you want to visit, I'm not sure what is next, and that seems to play a more subtle role.

We become so consumed by those goals and checklists we have in our lives, so that once the list is done, we enter an odd and uncomfortable liminal void of what is next. We know that there are countless options out there for the next, but we have always had certain particular items in our mind that we envisioned doing. Once those are checked off, where are we left?

An approach might be take it in at a more organic pace, letting experiences or places come to you naturally. Things will face into place.

There is something to be said for that outlook, but I don't think that is what I want, or believe will turn out best. Things don't usually fall into place, and months, then years, can easily pass by without any of those desires being met.

It's a dilemma that folks come face to face with the year after finishing college. The next part, when that clear cut image isn't so visible, becomes difficult to idealize. I somehow managed to extend the dilemma by going to graduate school, but it is beckoning call that needs to be answered at some point.

Where to?

There is something to be said, though, I think for that image that once existed. If I hadn't imagined being in Petra, or finally sitting down and watching The Sopranos, it wouldn't have happened.

Perhaps, then, what comes next before being in an experience, is asking the question before providing the answer. It is new territory to have to remake aspirations when we had some that existed for so long.

Whether finally watching a show, the top 100 AFI movies, going some place in the world, learning a language, writing that thought in our head, the idea itself must be imagined and become part of that psyche of desire. Then the question mark can be filled in more clearly, and hopefully answered soon.